life

Life fucking sucks right now. I feel like everythings slowly crashing lol. I never really thought about it until now. Before when I started smoking it was just all for fun and it still is fun but now I'm starting to think I keep smoking so much because it helps me not think about what's really happening to me. -_- I'm not going to school next quarter because I have no money so I'm going to find a new full time job. hopefully I can go back for spring quarter. I never expected to find myself where I am right now. It hurts because I feel alone. even when I'm surrounded by so many people. I just don't like to show it.. I'm just numbing myself till I don't feel any emotions anymore.

FUCK YOU

you fucking piss me off i fucking hate you. i feel like a fucking idiot ever involving myself with someone like you, people who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. there are no words to describe how fucking hurt and pissed off i feel. i hope you fucking rot in hell.

yea

I just want to be alone. I'm just so sick of every aspect of life right now...

Today is a day to remember

I smiled alot today.
and I also cried alot today.

Selfishness

One of my problems is being selfish.. I never liked being told what to do ever and always fought for my freedom. I need to learn how to not be selfish and compromise so I don't hurt people more than I already am :|. He is very special to me.. I don't want to push him away by acting the way I am. I love him too much.. but I never had to deal with having someones feelings revolve around me.. it was always the way around.. and now I realize that there is no room to be selfish.

so many things on my mind.. but as of now I just want to get certain things done. I'm really hoping and looking forward to pay off my ticket before my due date but idk if it will be likely. I also need to save up for a cellphone..

a piece in the back of my mind is wandering and a little sad. but the rest of me is happy and shrugs things off. eh

night time pokemon chats

This morning was a little frustrating.. I'm trying not to be so stubborn and selfish but it's hard. I never really liked having people tell me what to do but if I care about them I should try.

I started orientation this week and it sucks. It's extremely boring but at least I have Ricky and Michael in my class. Spending time in there made me realize that I want to do graphic design for magazines.. like for cosmo :)

After I got home, Aaron picked me up and we went to Black Angus to eat dinner. :) It was our first time eating steak and gosh I didn't think it'd be this expensive!!! Black Angus was tasty, aside from the garlic mashed potatoes and fat on my steak @_@. Ughz. After that, we drove around, parked on santa cruz, and walked around the block. It was really nice because it made me think of old times when we'd walk places cause we had no car =]. We were naming pokemon and movies till we couldn't anymore. Too bad I lost at both.. gosh my brains so slow!! I had fun though.. He always makes me feel fuzzy inside =) I miss him already. I feel like I hog him too much though.. and that he should spend time at school and enjoy the dorming experience. but it's hard when I want to see him all the time =(( O well..

Orientation tomorrow

I can't believe I'm almost starting schooollll oh shooootiee.

I miss Aaron already :( We went to the mall and it was pure torture. Being poor sucks. I can't wait to make money and buy my baby presents. heheee